October 25, 2004 Dear EGH: Your boyfriend of over a year goes completely AWOL (which, as we know, is THOR). Seven months later, he sends an e-mail trying to make nice. What's a girl to do? Befuddled Dear Befuddled, Well, believe it or not, I have found myself in this situation not once, but twice. With the same lad, sucker that I am. Because I am generally of a forgiving nature, I accepted the lad’s apology both times, perhaps, as it has turned out, rather unwisely. (But that’s another story for another day.) Does he have a good excuse for his AWOL-ness? (He suffers from Fugue State? He suddenly joined the Peace Corps? He was in the Witness Protection Program?) If, by chance, he actually has a Good Reason for falling off the face, than, sure, give him the benefit of the doubt, if you feel like it. If not, tell him that These Boots Are Made For Walkin’, because, as I have learned, this behavior, despite any protestations he may make to the contrary, will become a repeat pattern, and this is no stress that anyone needs in their life. Good Riddance, I say. And you never know…maybe Jude Law is waiting in the wings. As ever, Honore Dear Honore, I forgot to pick my husband up at the airport two weeks ago and although he took a cab home, he still hasn’t spoken to me. Should I have an affair, or is there some way I can make it up to him? Sincerely, Leaning Towards the Affair Dear Leaning, Oh, my. I think Your Husband is over-reacting just a tad. Forget the affair, and tell him to grow up. And boycott washing the dishes or making dinner. Good grief. What a baby. Yours, Honore Dear Honore, What is the proper wedding etiquette for my stepmother? Does she get included in the wedding photos? Should she have a special dress that blends with the wedding party just as the mother of the bride and groom? Thanks, Robin Dear Honore, I have a question regarding the wording on my invitation. My parents are divorced and my dad and mom are paying for half the wedding each. They both remarried. So in my etiquette book it says to word like this: Mr. and Mrs. James Cook And Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Long request etc. Well, I really don’t want my step-dad’s name on the invites, so then it says to do: James Cook and Laurie Long request, etc Do you think this is too informal? Should I still add Mr. to my dad and Mrs. to my mom and just leave out the step-parents? Thanks! Bride-to-Be-With-Steps Dear Robin and Bride-to-Be, I am simply aghast! Here you are, adults, and you don’t consider your step-parents (and any step-siblings you might have) to be real family, who should (and I’m sure would love) to partake in your Big Day? Even if your blood parents re-married yesterday, I can think of nothing more cruel, or childish, or spiteful then to exclude your step-parents! If I were in their position, I would be wounded to the core. The only possible reason I can think of to exclude any step- or blood parent is because they have physically abused you. Otherwise, any step-parents or siblings should be treated just as any other member of the wedding party, and that means that they should dress in a similar manner to the other parents of the bride and groom; they should be seated with the same (instead of being relegated to the last pew of the church); and should be included in any photographs of the bride and her parents, as well as be included on your wedding invitations. Therefore, your wedding invitations should read: Mr. and Mrs. Winston Paroo (your father and his wife) and Mr. and Mrs. Harold Hill (your mother and her husband) request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Anne Louise etc. I sincerely hope that even if you’re not wild about your step-parents, you will do the right, and mature thing, and treat them as your “real” family, for they are indeed your “real” family, whether you like it or not. If you don’t want to include your family at your wedding, then may I suggest a quickie trip to Vegas? Yours, Honore Dear Honore, My husband and I are having a difference of opinion. Is it proper for a boss to ask a select number of married male employees to a Black Tie Gala and not invite spouses? The evening will be cocktails, dinner, silent auction and dancing. I think it is improper, and my husband doesn't see a problem with it. Needless to say I'm upset he accepted the invitation. Please the event is coming up and I would like to know your input on this. Thank you, Polly Dear Polly, Your husband's boss is a Class-A, A-Number-1 CAD!!!! (And, if I may say, your husband is exhibiting similarly caddish behavior by a) accepting this invitation, and b) not seeing anything wrong with it!) For heaven's sake, The Boss might as well have invited all "The Guys" to a Strip Joint! (In fact, even that would be more understandable than this Black-Tie-No-Spouses-Thing!) This is simply incomprehensible to me! To begin with, who the hell is one supposed to dance with if not one's Spouse? (Or Significant Other, as the case may be.) Actually, the whole thing sounds Highly Suspect to me…are the only people invited men? I have a sneaking suspicion that this “auction” might be for the services of, um, an “escort service.” Now, Dear Reader, you put your foot down, and say that if this is The Deal for this party, then Your Husband is NOT going! I don't care if he thinks it may advance his career...he is not to be party to such horrendous behavior. (And frankly, if this sort of thing goes on a lot, I would seriously consider suggesting that he quit.) Be firm! Let me know how it goes! Best wishes, and as ever, Honore Dear Honore, Can you believe that Modern Bride, to whom so many women turn to get their wedding advice, is giving the OK to put registry information in invitations? NO, NO, NO! Swooning with disbelief, Stephanie Dear Stephanie, JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before I dash off a note to Modern Bride (and to THINK that I’ve granted them interviews!), someone please Pass Me the Gin! ACK! Swooning Avec Toi, Honore Dear Honore, My normally well-mannered dog, a big Newfoundland named Jackson, belched in my face after eating last night. What can I do to make plain that he is not to do this? I'm just beside myself about his behaviour. I've tried everything, I cut down on his TV time, I took the car keys away from him, I even threatened him with neutering and all to no avail. I'm just beside myself about this. Help me, Etiquette Grrl!!! Desperate in Oxnard Dear Desperate in Oxnard, Oh my! Such crass behaviour! Have you tried slipping him a Mickey Finn of Pepto-Bismol in his Water Dish?* Yours, Honore P.S. Why isn’t your dog neutered? It really is best for his health. Just a wee bit of advice. * For the Very Literal-Minded: Do NOT actually feed Your Pet Pepto-Bismol. Dear Honore, I recently graduated from high school and this August, I will be moving from the South to New England for college. Because I will be moving such a great distance, my parents would like to have a going away party for me before I move, which is a nice idea, but I do not want my Dear Friends (who are all heading off to college themselves) to feel obliged to bring a gift of any sort, because, honestly, I would rather simply spend time with them. Also, many of them are also moving a Great Distance for school, and, well, I would feel like a bit of a brat to have a party for myself when quite a few of my other friends are also moving. My mother suggested that we simply host a small gathering in honor of all of the recent graduates. I personally like the idea, and this would obviously allow for the real purpose of the celebration: to have a nice evening with my friends before we all go our separate ways. Would this be appropriate? Thank You, Future New Englander Dear Future New Englander, First of all, congratulations on your graduation! And how exciting to be moving to a new region of Our Dear Country! As you probably know, I am from New England – I’m sure that you’ll like it. (At least I hope so!) I think your idea of having a lovely soirée for all of your Dear Friends is a splendid one. Not only will it not single you out as being The Special One Who Gets To Go To A Neat Place For College, but everyone deserves Mad Props, and I think it’s very generous for your parents to host such a party. In honor of the new journey upon which all of are embarking, perhaps you could have a “grown-up” party, with fancy hors d’oeurves, and (non-alcoholic) cocktails. Or maybe a pool party or barbeque would be fun if you don’t want to get too fancy. Even if you go this route, there are loads of neat-o informal outdoor party recipes, which you might want to try instead of the usual fare of hot dogs and hamburgers. Either way, I’m sure such a party will be a lot more fun than one held just in your honor. Yours, Honore Dear Honore, Please clear something up for me. I was dining out with some friends and my starving post-grad student roommate. It was a nice restaurant. One of the parties turned to my roommate and asked what she was up to lately. When she replied, he asked how she could possibly afford to eat at such a place. I was gobsmacked and embarrassed for both of them. Surely that is nobody’s business!!! Please confirm my view that asking about somebody's finances is wrong! Thank you, Jessica Dear Jessica, You're absolutely right – it is positively THOR!!!! Love, Honore Dear Honore, After years of reading about them, courtesy of both you and Miss Manners, I have finally received one – a solicitation, disguised as an invitation, from a personal friend. Actually she is my mother's best friend. She is also soon to be the mother of the groom, whom I have known since very early childhood, as all four of our parents are very close friends. She has sent around – as an e-mail attachment, mind you, not even on real paper – an invitation to a "mail-it" shower. This means we all should mail our gifts to the bride on the same day, so she will have the fun of opening lots of packages two or three days later. Did you ever? Declining this invitation means neither more nor less than declining to send a gift. I am more than amazed. Isn't part of the point of a shower to give the bride a chance to meet the people who are part of her future husband's life? I would gladly go out of my way to attend a shower somewhere near the groom's parents' home – an hour and a half away – for the chance to see the bride in person – I have only seen her once before, for about two minutes – and I would bring a wonderful, heartfelt gift, but I don't know if I can bring myself to be contented with imagining her glee, four states away, as she opens up all this loot that her future mother-in-law is rounding up for her. On the other hand, this same future mother-in-law was the one who threw a bridal shower for me six years ago. She was practically my second mother when I was growing up, perhaps because she was daughterless, but so what? All I can think of to do is to tell her what a shame it is there's no place in [her town] to have an in-person shower, and offer to host one at my house. I'd expect to be turned down, as my house is so far away from her town and the couple's home, but wouldn't count on it. I can't express disapproval to this woman in any more direct way. What do you think? Have any better ideas? Please don't use my name or email address if you publish this. I doubt she reads your column (if she did, I wouldn't be sending this question!), but others she know might, and I would die if this got back to her. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Name Withheld Dear Name Withheld <THUD!> That sound you heard was The Sound of EG Keeling Over Dead. Would someone mind passing the Restorative Gin Bottle, please? Ah. That's better. I have never heard of anything So Appalling!! In the Name of All the Saints in Heaven, what is this girl and her mother thinking?! I’m not sure I’m quite clear – is this "shower" strictly between the bride-to-be and the Post Office? My solution: Don't send a gift, don't send your Best Wishes, don't send anything – nada. (And certainly do NOT offer to host anything yourself!) And Good Riddance to the entire hideous affair! Yours, Honore Dear Honore, I would like to know what the proper thing to do is if someone brings a food item or drink when they are invited over for dinner or just coffee and dessert. Should the item be served? For example, should a cake brought over by a guest be served for dessert? I never go to someone's home empty-handed. Yet, whatever I bring is never taken out. Am I making a mistake? Thank you in advance. Angela Dear Angela, First of all, no, you’re doing the right thing by bringing a Wee Something for your hostess – brava! As for food items being served, well, it really depends on a) what you bring, and b) what sort of get-together it is. If it’s a formal dinner party, and you bring a bottle of wine, the hosts may have already have selected something specific to compliment the meal, so you should not be offended if they don’t open your bottle. If you’re invited over for dessert and coffee, then obviously your host already have dessert made, so why on earth would you bring another dessert? Why not flowers or a bottle of wine to be enjoyed later? But if it’s a laid-back open house or gathering to watch movies or some such, and you bring, say, your favorite artichoke dip, then I think the hosts should put it out as another munchie. (And after all, who doesn’t like artichoke dip? As an aside, try Etiquette Grrl’s World-Famous Artichoke Dip, the recipe for which can be found at http://www.etiquettegrrlstyle.com/EGStyle_appetizers.html.) Sincerely, Honore Dear Honore, Is there an acceptable time frame to host a retirement party after you retire? Should you have the party immediately or can you wait? Penailope Dear Penailope, Well, it depends what you mean by “wait.” If “wait” means, say, a month, then, sure. If “wait” means ten years, then no. Love, Honore Dear Honore, I have a rather complicated question and I'm hoping you can give me your insight. I've had a good girlfriend for about 15 years. We met in my home state, I have been living in KY for the last 5 years. I have gotten married in KY and made a nice life for myself here. The problem is that she has not come to visit me once, has not met my husband and bailed on me at the last moment to come in for my wedding and perform as my maid of honor (after I bought her airline ticket). There was, of course, extenuating circumstances (there always is with her...the words Drama Queen come to mind) and I have been sympathetic time and time again. Is friendship something I should weigh and make sure the scales are balanced, or should I continue to sympathize with her ever-changing, complicated life? Some of her 'traumas' are valid, others...well, I think most are created by her for entertainment value. My question for you is when is enough, enough? Can I justify ending such a long friendship over her apparent disinterest in anyone but herself? Or should I be a loyal friend and accept her faults with her strengths? Thank you, Bewildered Dear Bewildered, I feel your pain. We’ve all gone through times when our friends have been a strain, and even times when it’s become the time to go your separate ways – perhaps you no longer have anything in common; perhaps being in far-flung places has made maintaining a friendship très difficile; perhaps your Brownie Scouts pal has Taken Up a Life of Crime. But I’m not so sure I would be so hasty to judge your friend. Sure, it sounds like her behavior is a bit erratic, but you might not know the full story. Maybe she’s going through a bout of depression, maybe she suffers from anxiety attacks – either of these things could explain her behavior, and in that case, she probably needs you as a friend, whether she knows it or not. So, I’d try to find a little compassion, grit your teeth, be there when she needs you, and forgive her transgressions. As ever, Honore Dear Honore, My boyfriend and his family constantly put their smelly, white socked feet up on my coffee table. I have asked him not to do this and if he could ask his relatives not to do so in our home, however, he does not see the problem with it. I cannot come up with a convincing enough argument against this uncouth and, well, just plain yucky behavior. In my mind there is no question about it... it is just not done! So I am having difficulty coming up with reasoning for it. Help!! Disgusted by Smelly Feet Dear Disgusted, All together now: EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t you just say, “Take you damned, dirty, stinky feet off my table, or I’ll take them off for you!”? Regards, Honore Dear Honore, When a family member of a co-worker has passed away and a sympathy card is circulated around the building, should I sign it if I do not know the employee? (I work for a large company.) I don't want to be rude by not signing, but my signature will not mean anything to someone I do not know. Amy Dear Amy, I must say that I am Not At All Fond of Group Cards, no matter the occasion (birthdays, retirements, etc.), but if something is being passed around, then I don’t see the harm in signing it. What you don’t have to do, however, in similar situations is donate money to whatever someone might be collecting for, or buy Girl Scout Cookies, or sponsor someone in A Marathon. Warm regards, Honore Dear Honore, Can you please tell me if it is proper to have a housewarming without having all your furniture? The bathrooms are being decorated (except wall hangings) and the guest bedroom is done (because my old bedroom set is now my guest bedroom set), but I have no living room, dining room, or master bedroom furniture. The housewarming is this Friday night and I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable about doing it. I know I can't cancel it at this point, but just wanted to know if I had said, "I haven't decided on what I want yet" would have been okay. I really didn't want a housewarming, but my girlfriends kept insisting on having one. Thanks, First-Time Homebuyer Dear First-Time Homebuyer, Congratulations on buying your first home! I hope you have oodles of fun settling in. To begin with, under no circumstances is anyone obligated to have a housewarming party. (Personally, I think they’re more trouble than they’re worth, and also, they seem a bit like you’re asking for gifts, which, as I’m sure you know, is always THOR.) Further, Dear Reader, if your new house isn’t furnished, just exactly where do you expect people to sit at your party? Common sense, Dear Reader, common sense. Generally speaking, if one is going to hold a party of any sort, furniture is a nice thing to have. Yours truly, Honore Dear Honore: I have a question and know that you are the right person to ask. My fiancé and I were fortunate enough to have been invited to attend the U.S. Open with my Dear Friend and her boyfriend, who supplied our tickets, transportation, and hotel room. The gift was not originally intended for us, but for a business associate of the boyfriend, who was not able to attend. I mean to properly show my gratitude with a thank-you note, of course, but what would be an appropriate gift to give to thank them for such a weekend experience? Thank you, Kate Dear Kate, My! What generous Dear Friends you have! Yes, of course, an enthusiastic thank-you note is the first order of business, along with, perhaps, a beautiful arrangement of flowers. (Not one of those icky FTD arrangements, either, I mean flowers!) Now (and this goes for small favors, too), you should reciprocate your friends’ generosity – invite them to, perhaps, dinner and the theatre, or to the symphony. A nice evening out for the four of you, and you must pick up the tab, despite any objections your friends may raise. Yours, Honore Dear Honore, I recently got married. About three months into our marriage, my husband’s mother approached us with an agreement in which she would help us financially with purchasing a house, as well as taking care of any renovations that were needed. Along with this agreement, my mother-in-law asked if she could stay in one of the extra bedrooms for "a couple of weeks" while she prepared to retire from her job, and join her husband in their new home in Colorado. We agreed, thinking that a "couple of weeks" would not be bad. It’s now months later, and she told us that she will not be leaving until November, because she hopes to get paid to leave her job. My husband and I are frustrated to say the least. We both love his mother immensely, however, we feel as if we do not have our own lives at all. Along with her just living here, she does our laundry, buys the groceries and cleans the house before I even get a chance to. We have asked her not to do these things for us, yet she always says, "I was bored," or "I wanted to help out." My husband and I sat down with her a few weeks ago, and told her how we felt, and basically told her that one of us needed to move out. She assured us that she is planning on using her last two weeks of vacation in October, and that she would definitely be gone by October 18th. I have many fears about this – although a wonderful deal, I feel somewhat manipulated and used. I also have a huge fear that because she has helped us out financially with this house, she will deem this as their "vacation" house...or worse yet, the new house in Colorado her "vacation" home, and this one her permanent residence. I do not want to cause a rift between us, because basically, we get along well...and I would like that to continue for many years to come. I do not want to seem ungrateful for her help, however, this is my husband’s and my marriage, and our first year of marriage that we are somewhat missing out on. I am honestly not sure how to handle this anymore...do we move out (which I am willing to do), or do we just accept that she will always be here, and that this is not our home, as presented to us? Do we just wait patiently (I think we have been very patient as it is) and hope that it will all work itself out? Any advice? Frustrated. Dear Frustrated, Well, while I can certainly understand your frustration with the situation – indeed, I find it a bit disruptive when even my own parents come to visit for a week or two – and your mother-in-law’s behavior is a teeny bit odd, but you must take into consideration that if she bought your house for you, well, it’s her house too. (Let this be a lesson to you – never accept money or enter into financial agreements with anyone, especially family members, as you will be beholden to them, and this will only breed resentment.) I’m positive that her puttering around the house, cleaning and such, is only her way of repaying you for letting her stay with you, so I wouldn’t harp on the subject. I’m sure she’s only trying to be nice. If I were you, I’d wait until October, and see what happens before you get more upset. And if she doesn’t move out, then she doesn’t move out, and you should resign yourself to her presence. I fear that your moving would only hurt her feelings, and cause a rift, which you say you don’t want to do. But, when and if you are in a financial position to buy your own house, without the aid of anyone else, then perhaps you could consider moving…and hope that Dear Mother-in-Law doesn’t tag along. Meanwhile, rent the wonderful film, The Man Who Came to Dinner with Monty Woolley (and all-star cast, including Bette Davis), about a dinner guest who stays…and stays…and stays…. Sincerely, Honore P.S. Have you considered that perhaps there’s a reason she’s not telling you about that she’s reluctant to join your father-in-law in Colorado? Perhaps you don’t have the Full Story, Dear Reader. Dear Honore, I need you to settle something for me. When having a buffet-style get together, who should be the first to proceed through the line? I have heard ladies first, the eldest generation, and guest go first. Which is correct? Sincerely, Confused Dear Confused, Assuming you’re not referring to a fancy military or corporate buffet, in which case, the Big Cheese (i.e. the Admiral/CEO) would lead the line, either a) the most hungry, or b) the person whom the hostess can prod into going first starts off. (Most people are shy about being first in line unless it’s, say, to buy tickets to see U2.) Yours, Honore Dear Honore, I have a friend who has been asked to be a bridesmaid by her soon-to-be-sister-in-law and long-time "friend." The Bride-to-Be has requested that she: 1) Cover her tattoos (the largest being about the size of the diameter of a soda can located on her upper arm). 2) Lose weight – the Bride-to-Be has decided on dresses that are only available in sizes smaller than what the bridesmaid can fit into. My question is this: should my friend take all this as being part of the "honor," or should she tell the Bride-to-Be to take a flying leap? I realize there are probably a few other options – but diplomacy seems to have nothing to do with this event. I appreciate any answer I may pass along. L.H. Dear L.H., Please, please tell me you jest! Is the Bride-to-Be smoking crack? Heaven knows that I’m not fond of tattoos, but to ask a friend to cover them is like asking her to change her hair color! And if the BTB is so concerned about it, why in God’s name didn’t she choose a dress that would hide said tattoos? And speaking of that dress, asking a friend to lose weight to squeeze into some hideous dress that will never be worn again (or, actually, for any reason), is Beyond the Pale. Truly abhorrent! This girl must be a real Piece of Work. Yes, indeed, if I were your friend, I would tell the BTB where she can go in no uncertain terms, and, in fact, she should have done so the second she heard of her ridiculous, cruel demands. Sincerely, Honore Hello Honore! I have an odd question and have looked everywhere for an answer. Maybe you can help me out? I am hosting a New Years’ Eve party this year. I want to send out invitations to a large group of friends, but I understand that most folks have their own New Years’ Eve traditions. I'd like to ask for R.S.V.P.s, but I only want to hear back from those who would like to come. (Kind of like the opposite of "regrets only.") I don't want friends to feel like they have to call me with an excuse for why they can't come. Any ideas on how to word this? I was thinking "Please let us reserve your champagne glass – no need for regrets" or something like that. I'm stuck. Help!! Yours, Perplexed in Pennsylvania Dear Perplexed, Hmm. I don’t think most people are uncomfortable with “regrets only,” and actually, I think the wording you suggest has a tone of bullying your invitees into coming. I would recommend keeping it simple – “acceptances only” isn’t bad, but personally, I would keep it to “regrets only,” or the good old-fashioned, plain “R.S.V.P.” (However, be prepared for a lot of clods to not reply at all, in which case, feel free to call them up, and find out what their deal is.) Yours truly, Honore Dear Miss Ervin, I admit to a technical violation of etiquette, but it seemed justified. As a guide to future behavior, I was wondering What Miss Ervin Would Have Done. This evening I attended an opera recital at one of the fine museums in our nation's capital. During the hour-long wait beforehand, a gentleman two places behind me in line had a conversation on his cell phone. In the course of the conversation he told the other party how much he, as a good friend of the soprano who would be performing, was enjoying hearing the people around him discuss Miss Soprano unaware that a Good Friend of hers was listening. I know very little about opera, and nothing about this particular performer. So, a decent interval after the gentleman had ended his conversation, I apologized for having overheard what he had said about Miss Soprano and asked if, as I knew nothing about her, he would mind telling me a little about her professional life? He obliged most generously, and I thanked him. I know one is supposed to pretend not to have heard what one could not help hearing, so “etiquette-ly” speaking, one hasn't really eavesdropped until one reveals it – which I did. But I was careful not to inquire about her personal life or his friendship with her. So does my giving him an opportunity to exhibit his familiarity with the woman we were all there to hear at all mitigate my misdemeanor? While I am on the subject, if one is involuntarily exposed to loud political demagoguery from a nearby private “conversation”/lecture on a Metro train, must one refrain from discussing what one overhears with one's companions? Thank you for your expertise. Sincerely, Rebecca Dear Rebecca, Well, everyone is as fault here, in my opinion. First of all, the gentleman in question should not have been bragging, especially in public, that he knows Miss Soprano. (And one wonders how close he actually is to her that he feels the need to speak about it in public.) You, Dear Reader, although you obviously could not help but to overhear his boorish conversation, should have ignored him, no matter how much your curiosity might have been piqued. By far, the coolest thing to do when confronted with first-hand information about A Celebrity, or most of all, spotting A Celebrity in person, is to ignore it/them, and treat the situation as one would an everyday occurrence – that is to say; do nothing at all. Sincerely, Honore PS: As for offering one’s opinion of any political discussion one might overhear, I strongly recommend keeping your thoughts to yourself. Unless you wanna get decked. Ask Honore your Burning Etiquette Question at etiquette@etiquettegrrlstyle.com! Browse Honore’s Q&A columns from EtiquetteGrrls.com! Visit the EGStyle.com Etiquette Archive! | Home | Introduction | Home Décor | In the Kitchen | Fashion | Etiquette | |Postcards From Honore | Shop | | About the Author | Reading | Links |Media Clippings and InquiriesPrivacy Policy Copyright 2003 Honore McDonough ErvinEtiquette Grrl Style